Decluttering the stuff in life

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Maya Angelou

 I've tried to sit down and write several times since October, but I haven't been able to put my thoughts into words that would make sense to others. I would attempt to sit down and write, but then something would distract me and I wouldn't be able to focus. Normally, an idea comes into my mind, I'm able to process it, and put it into words. However, the past few months have been a time of growing emotionally and all the thoughts were a mess of spaghetti in my mind. As much as I needed to express myself, I wasn't able. So bare with me today as I try to express a multitude of thoughts into a coherent message. 

Although I pride myself on being organized and free of clutter, I had an overwhelming urge this month to get rid of stuff. I started going through my closet and created a stack of clothes to donate. I went through all my books and donated the ones I knew I wasn't going to read again. I donated my bicycle from college and bar stools from our previous home. I tried to get my husband to donate some of his stuff, but apparently he wasn't feeling the need to purge like I was! It felt like the material stuff in my life was distracting me and I needed to de-clutter. I don't know why, but I couldn't ignore it.

Then I started thinking about how busy I am. I'm really good at being busy, but sometimes the things I'm productive with are not that important. I get a little thrill when I start my day with a list of things to do and I'm able to check them off at the end of the day. However, I've realized that I need to let some things go. Does my house need to look like a picture out of "House and Garden"? Do I need to unload the clean dishes as soon as the dishwasher is done?  Do I need to waste an hour on Facebook every day? Do I need to say "yes" to everyone that needs me or answer the phone every time it rings? The answer is "no" and if I'm saying "yes" to all those things then I need to ask myself, "What am I trying to prove to myself or others?" So, I asked myself ,"What obligations can I eliminate that are not fulfilling to me anymore?"  Figuring that out may take more than a day or  week or month, because if you're like me then you have a strong sense of commitment and don't want to let others down. Oh and let's not forget about guilt. Guilt is another emotion that keeps us from letting go of distractions, especially if they're distractions that benefit others in our life and they're good at manipulating you.

At some point, you have to ask yourself why you're letting the distractions in life get in the way of what you're really passionate about. Are you afraid of what might happen if your dream actually happens? Are you a perfectionist like me that gets stuck in all the details and the fear of failure? I'm not saying to go out and quit your job, stop cleaning your house, or ignore your friends and family when they call. What I'm recommending is you create boundaries so you can pursue what you desire. Before you take that phone call from your long-winded friend you may decide to limit the conversation to 30 minutes instead of an hour.  Perhaps you delegate a task to others in your household even though that means letting go of control. I understand it may not get done to your high standards, but it will get done and it will free up a little more time. 

You might be reading this and thinking  you haven't found what you're passionate about yet or your dreams have been buried under all the other stuff in your life. I understand  and have been there. After my husband's injury, I couldn't think past the moment I was in and I certainly wasn't dreaming about the future. That was too scary and unknown. However, as time went on I started creating boundaries, taking care of myself, losing some distractions, and those dreams started to appear.

Remember that life is about relationships, creating memories, pursuing your dreams, and not about accomplishments. My passions are my husband, my family, my faith, writing, helping other veteran families, and trying to be a positive role model. When I focus on those things then I'm being true to myself. I saw this quote in a magazine the other day and it was perfect timing to add to this post.......

"Run my dear, from anything that may not strengthen your precious budding wings." Hafiz

Rising above grief.

     It's interesting how people come into our lives when we least expect it and often it's when we're doing something as basic as grocery shopping, going to an appointment, renting a movie, etc. I believe that people are put in our path in order for us to connect, share and learn from one another. When it happens & you're willing to open yourself up to someone, it can be an amazing experience that changes you and your perspective.
     I was blessed to meet an amazing woman today while getting a mammogram, but somehow I never caught her name. We just started talking during the procedure and the floodgates were opened. I was in the most vulnerable position (hard to be modest when you're half dressed) sharing my medical history and the next thing I knew we were having a full on discussion about love, loss and grief. I'm a cancer survivor & her husband passed away from cancer and as we talked the topic of grief came up. Our discussion inspired me to write about this difficult topic and I'm not sure why I didn't do this sooner. I believe that she and I connected for a reason and that reason was for me to write about something that so few of us talk about openly. Grief. What is it? What does it feel like? How do we deal with it?
     Grief is a normal process, but sometimes we don't recognize it. For myself, I didn't recognize it, because my husband had not passed away. Why would I be grieving for someone that is still alive? Besides that, I was in complete denial and shock the first year of his injury and I certainly can't leave out anger, sorrow and my personal pity party. These feelings are not wrong, but yet we may feel guilty about feeling them, especially when our spouse is still with us physically. What we fail to realize is that we're grieving for the loss of our future dreams, what we thought our life would be and the loss of our spouse as we knew them before. As someone that has written in journals for years, I didn't write in my journal for one full year after my husband's injury. Looking back, I think it was because putting it on paper made it real & I couldn't deal with that yet. I also like to control life, which I now know isn't possible. I put on a brave front that I was strong, didn't need help and proceeded to stuff all those bad feeling inside of myself. How naive I was keeping grief at a distance when it needed to be dealt with.
     In order to heal, we must grieve and the timeline is unique for each of us. Someone else you know may seem to be moving through grief at a different speed, but don't compare yourself with anyone else when it comes to grief. I have moved through the grief process quicker than my spouse and of course I want him to hurry up and heal, but it doesn't work that way. His hurts are different than mine, he is reminded of his loss everyday that he gets into his wheelchair and I can't heal those hurts for him. Friends may try to help and their intentions are good, but often they're uninformed and don't know what to do or say, which may lead to being insensitive. Don't let anyone tell you, "You should be over it by now" or "It's not as bad as it seems."
     Only you know what you're feeling whether that be: loneliness, fear, blame, rage, anger or guilt. One day you may feel that you're making great progress and then something triggers an emotion that sends you reeling back. As time goes on you're able to work through these emotions and slowly move forward again. I know from experience that even after 6 years I'm sometimes caught off guard by a wave of sadness or "whoa is me" moment. It happens, I allow myself to feel it and then I move on again.
     The most important thing I've learned is that talking with someone who "gets it" can be very therapeutic. I struggled with this for years, because in my mind, being vulnerable meant losing control. I've come to realize that I don't have to be the "strong one" all the time. What I have gained from opening up and being vulnerable is the knowledge that I'm not alone in my feelings and that usually the person I'm opening up to needs to hear my story as much I need to hear theirs. This is exactly what I experienced yesterday at my medical appointment. Two women talking openly about grief, acknowledging and understanding one another, being vulnerable and not judging where each of us is in the journey. I'll close with a verse I came across 3 years ago and it resonated deeply within me. Unfortunately, I don't know the author.

 "We do not understand:
Joy...until we face sorrow.
Faith...until it is tested.
Peace...until faced with conflict.
Trust...until we are betrayed.
Love...until it is lost.
Hope...until confronted with doubts."

It's ok to grieve the past, it's part of what makes you who you are today, but don't get stuck there and let it keep you from dreaming again. The wound may always be just below the surface, but it gets to a point where it doesn't overwhelm you anymore and when that happens you'll be able to find hope and dreams again!



     
     
     
    

HAVA Hunt

Left  photo is Aaron & Heath trying out the track chair. The photo below is Aaron and I inside the lodge. Yes, I'm wearing a camoflouge T-shirt and it's the first time I've ever worn anything camoflouge. I even sported a camo ball cap at one point, but that photo I'm not sharing!

Aaron hasn't been hunting in over 4 years primarily due to accessibility issues, but last week that changed when we were invited by HAVA (Honored American Veterans Afield) to go hunting in Del Rio, Texas. The hunt was located on a 14,000+ acre ranch. Can you even grasp how big that is? In the SW region of Texas all you see is scrub oak, cacti and big, white rocks and the rolling terrain makes it breathtaking. You may be thinking that cacti and rocks are not wheelchair friendly and you're correct. However, in this case Aaron was provided with an Action Track wheelchair, which has tires like a tank. We've tried in the past to get the VA to purchase one, but with a hefty price tag of $15k we haven't been successful. As soon as he got into it he was taking off to see what kind of trouble he could get into. It was a blast seeing him going over the rocks at full speed with a smile on his face instead of strain & frustration. Nothing was stopping him, not even steep downhill terrain!

HAVA's coordinator, Heath, didn't waste any time getting the group out to hunt. After a delicious lunch, the "boys" went out to hunt and the "girls" went out in the Rover for some safari style sight-seeing. Rock Canyon Ranch offers big game hunting so they have Zebra, Buffalo, Gnu, Whitetail Deer, Black Buck, Orex and more on the property. It was amazing to be up close to these beautiful creatures that are huge yet agile. The boys went out with individual guides and Aaron was partnered with Seth. At one point during the long weekend, I went out with Aaron and Seth to see what this hunting thing is all about. They were using an insulated ground blind, which was a nice set-up if I do say so myself. According to Aaron and Seth this isn't the typical hunting amenity. I was told to use my hunting (quiet) voice and after being reprimanded twice I decided to sit quietly and take in the scenary. Ironically, they talked more than I did and they say women talk a lot. Not always!

Each day the boys went out to hunt at 5:30am and again at 4pm with downtime after lunch. With the amount of food we were consuming we needed a nap. On the 2nd day Aaron came back with a doe weighing close to 90lbs. In Texas, this is a good sized, mature doe. I say this, because in some parts of the country the deer are bigger and I wouldn't want to make him look bad. Ha Ha. I was thrilled that he got a doe, because what I failed to mention earlier is that this hunt started on 2/7/13 which is the 6 year anniversary of Aaron's paralysis. I was happy that a bad memory could be replaced with something positive to focus on. When life has dealt a tragic blow to your body, it's easy to be distracted by what you have lost. Learning to focus on what you still have is crucial to healing, no matter what your circumstances are.

Over the 4 day hunt, we spent a lot of time eating, connecting with other couples, exploring the property and hunting. We had no cell phone connection, which took away any distractions. There was no pressure to participate in anything you weren't interested in. If you wanted to read a book while everyone else went out exploring then that was okay. Many organizations that provide retreats tend to pack your schedule in order to provide a lot of resources and activities, but this can leave you downright exhausted. I'm not saying that this is always a bad thing, but it was a nice change of pace.

On the last day of the hunt, Aaron shot a second doe. Fortunately, on the way to Del Rio, we stopped to buy a 30 gallon cooler. We almost went with a smaller one to save money, but thank goodness we went super-sized so both doe could fit in it. We already had visions of venison chili, jerky and sausage dancing in our heads. Each veteran got at least one doe or buck, so not one family in this group was going to go hungry. These guys had a great time hunting and also connected with other veterans that could relate to what they are experiencing after injury. Many veterans live in rural areas, which makes it hard to find other veterans to connect with. This is why non-profits like HAVA are beneficial and in their own words, "The ultimate goal is to increase their confidence and hope for the future by reconnecting with their love of the outdoors and the American traditions of hunting and firearms." I couldn't have said it any better myself.

A special thanks to:  Kat & Ken who provided the ranch, Heath with HAVA, John & Stephanie with XS Sights and Seth who provided great conversation and assistance to Aaron during the hunt. For more information about HAVA go to www.honoredveterans.org  For more information about Rock Canyon Ranch go to www.huntrcr.com

Intimacy-let's get it out in the open.

INTIMACY. What crossed your mind when you read that word? Did you instantly think of intimacy in terms of sex? Did it make you uncomfortable? Is it because ever since your spouse was injured everything has changed? Although many caregivers talk about every topic under the sun in person & on Facebook, it seems that no one wants to bring up this touchy subject (excuse the pun). I hope you'll keep reading & realize that you're not alone in dealing with this uncomfortable topic.

What does intimacy look like to you? For me, it encompasses more than just the sexual act. It means sharing my emotions openly with my spouse, not fearing judgement & also allowing myself to be vulnerable. For others it may mean something completely different, because it depends on your circumstances. A caregiver friend of mine, whose husband has a TBI, once said that intimacy for her is sharing a cup of coffee at the kitchen table in the morning & having a clear (lucid) conversation with her husband. In other words, it depends on your specific circumstances and the type of injury your spouse sustained.

I wanted a varied perspective from caregivers whose husband's have different injuries than my own so I posted a question about intimacy to a caregiver group. The responses opened my eyes to some commonalities as well as differences regarding intimacy after injury. My husband is paralyzed & has limited mobility from the waist down. Figuring out how to be intimate after his injury was an exercise in frustration, humility and patience. It felt awkward to hug him in his wheelchair from a leaning over position. It was the same with kissing or holding hands while walking/rolling, because he needs both hands to push the wheelchair forward. It was extremely difficult to get past "how things used to be" and getting comfortable with one another again didn't happen overnight. One commonality among caregivers is the feeling of being more like a friend/nurse versus a spouse/lover. This is partly due to being together all day, which takes away the "distance makes the heart grow fonder" theory. That in conjunction with taking care of your spouse's personal needs equals a feeling of parenting versus wife. The following are caregiver responses which I edited for length & privacy:

* Intimacy has greatly changed, because his TBI tends to make him more affectionate or he plain ignores me. It depends on his pain & stress level that day. It takes it's toll on us, but we have managed to not let it break us.

* Due to a blast injury that damaged that whole area it's very painful for him to have intercourse. We're very affectionate holding hands, kissing & foreplay, but the actual act we don't do. He hates the fact that he isn't the man he used to be in the bedroom & tries to make up for it.

* Intimacy for us is different than our friends. If you saw my husband & I walking down the street you would think we were friends, because we never touch or kiss in public. He's too 'on guard'  for us to have those moments. Our intimate moments happen at home on good days. On bad days intimacy disappears.

* He has a flat affect due to his brain injury & can't form his own opinion so he's like a shell of a person. He has lack of memory so he doesn't truly understand that I'm his wife.

*Newlyweds probably dream of it, but an extended arrangement takes its toll on intimacy. My husband has severe PTSD & there is so much together time that it makes it difficult to transition into intimate time. Especially at the end of the day when he has played games all day & I have worked my tail off all day. It's difficult to feel sexually attracted to a man that behaves like a boy.

*My husband's has a TBI and there's no emotion or too much emotion when it comes to intimacy, but also the forgetting part is so hard! He does love me & adore me, he lives to make me happy...but he forgets & is unaware that he doesn't do anything to show me.

*He has ED (erectile dysfunction) and his "part"  has its own agenda. He doesn't feel attracted to me or any beautiful woman, because whatever part of him that is supposed to be attracted just doesn't work anymore. So that's why he doesn't initiate anything: not love, not closeness, not sex. It's a very lonely experience.

I hope that one or more of these responses resonated with you. As caregivers, we need to talk about these difficult emotions with others that "get it" and people we trust. I believe that communication leads to healing. It's easier to suppress our feelings and fears, but it isn't the healthiest option. If you're dealing with a recent injury, please know that there is hope & that intimacy isn't just about the sexual act. You have to decide for yourself what intimacy looks like for your unique situation. So take that time to redefine it and know that it may involve lowering your expectations.

P.S. A special thank you to the ladies that took a leap of courage to share their personal scenarios. It opened my eyes and I hope it did your as well.

For an insightful video from Marshele Waddell Carter on this topic go to:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505263_162-57558709/intimacy-lost-veteran-and-his-wife-speak-out-on-hidden-toll-of-war/

Testimony of Faith and Hope

    Christmas Eve day 2009, I sat alone in our house watching television, because it was the only thing I had the energy to do. After seventeen years of marriage, Aaron and I were divorcing and spending Christmas and New Years apart. Our marriage had spiraled so far downward, after his paralysis in 2007, that grief, hurt, anger and resentment had taken over. Those emotions overrode every waking moment and neither of us knew how to heal what remained. He told me I grieved for the man he was before his paralysis and I admit there was truth in that. I did miss the physical things we did together: working out, working in the yard together, intimacy, socializing, holding hands while going for a walk, or simply hugging him from a standing position. These were things that kept us emotionally connected.
      His leg's muscle spasms were so intense we hadn't slept in the same bed for close to two years. I'll never forget the day I was getting ready for work and he came into the bathroom. He used the counter to pull himself upright, put his arms around me and hugged me. I saw our reflection in the mirror and started to cry. I cried, because it felt good to be hugged like that again, but he perceived it as him not being man enough anymore.
     On this same Christmas Eve day, I received a phone call from my doctor with test results from a chest x-ray. For the past week, I had been running a high fever,was short of breath and coughing up small amounts of blood. After a visit to my Dr. and a chest x-ray it was determined I had a mass in my right bronchial tube. My right-lower lung had collapsed, which explained the shortness of breath and fever due to infection. Although the mass was an unknown, it had to be biopsied and removed. I remember trying to call Aaron, because although we were divorcing, we still cared about one another. He was always the first person I wanted to tell about anything important and as I sat there getting ready to call, I knew in the future that he wasn't going to be my "go to" person.
     When I finally got in touch with him and told him the results, he was quiet. I told him I would have a Bronchoscopy done within the week to find out if the mass was cancerous. I asked him to pray and he responded, "I'm so angry I can't even pray right now." Aaron was raised a Christian and always had a strong faith, whereas I had not asked God into my life until March 2008. My spiritual walk was at the infant stage, but it was the only thing holding me together at this point. I needed it to keep me focused and positive.
     I endured a bronchoscopy and CT scan without Aaron by my side. For the first time since his injury, I realized how vulnerable you are when you're sick and your body is not under your control anymore. I regretted I hadn't gone to more of his medical appointments, because I didn't think he needed me. He felt he shouldn't have had to ask and I realized now how much he needed me at those appointments. Instead, I had been focused on my management career, because it was my social outlet and escape from the reality I didn't believe I had the strength to endure. God was teaching me a lesson about empathy and compassion. I knew I needed my best friend by my side and I didn't have him.
     When Aaron returned home in January, he told me we were going to get through this together. He wanted us to focus on my health, postpone the divorce and for me to recuperate at home after the surgery. My mom had planned to come out and help since we didn't know what condition I'd be in post surgery. Aaron kept his word and was by my side going forward.
     After having a second bronchoscopy, it was concluded that the mass was cancer. The dreaded "C" word had entered my already unraveling world. Although this wasn't the outcome I wanted, I had prepared myself for it. I was afraid, but there was also an underlying calm within me. For the first time in my life, I had let go of control and turned it over to a presence bigger than me. Next was a PET scan to determine if the cancer had metastisized. During the forty-five minute procedure, I lay in the tube listening to the continual hum of the machine and recited Psalm 143. "Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy, in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief...Let the morning bring me the word of your of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you." I had a sense of peace within me. Afterward we waited three hours for the PET scan results, and God answered my prayers, because the results came back that the cancer was not mestasticized.
     On February 15, 2010 I had a bi-lobectomy, which means the lower two lobes of my right lung had been removed and the top lobe was spared. That was a huge blessing as we were expecting the entire right side to be removed. Over the next four days in the ICU, I did everything the physical therapist and doctor told me to even though I was in the worst pain I had ever felt. I was getting a glimpse of the type of physical pain that Aaron feels everyday due to neuro-pathic pain. I won't go into the boring details of my recovery, but I do have an eight inch scar as proof and I was out of commission for the next three months. I couldn't even lift a milk jug out of the fridge or put my own seat belt on when we went to follow-up appointments. God was teaching me humility.
     During those three months of being housebound, God was not only healing my body, but he was healing our marriage. At that point, Aaron and I both felt we had nothing left to lose, so every suppressed emotion from the past three years: fear, anger, hurt and sadness were now out in the open for discussion. I remember analyzing every conversation we had looking for a glimmer of hope that we were meant to stay together. I had nothing else to do but rest, so analyzing came easily and having cancer made me realize how fleeting life is and I didn't want to spend another minute in my pity party. Then it happened. The words I had been waiting to hear were spoken by Aaron when he said," I'm yours. You're mine. That's all we need. I don't want to take that for granted again." God had taught me patience. We reconciled and renewed our vows shortly after.
     I wish I could say the rest is history, but God was still working on Aaron's heart. He'd been struggling with anger towards the surgeon that paralyzed him, resentment towards the Army for numerous reasons, frustration towards a broken VA system, and anger for the loss of his physical body and military career. When everything you worked hard for is pulled out from under you then you're typically going to feel cheated. Processing grief is a unique timeline for each individual and it's not a process that can be rushed. Everyday he wakes up and gets into his wheelchair is a reminder of what he has lost.
     Unfortunately over the past six months, I attended church alone on all but maybe three occasions. Aaron doesn't sleep at night and it's nearly impossible for him to go to a morning service and stay awake. I would love for him to participate, but for the past six years it seemed his heart wasn't ready. So you can imagine my excitement when he asked if I would like some company during a Wednesday evening service. I'd been praying that God would open his heart to let the sadness pour out and let forgiveness flood in. The sermon that night was explaining that when you go to the altar and tell God your worries that you're receiving a gift from God and it's a blessing to be able to give Him those worries. However, in order to give a gift to God you need to use the attributes He gave you to glorify Him. I interpret that to mean it's okay to lay your worries at the altar, but don't use those worries as an excuse to stop worshiping Him and moving forward with what He has planned for you.
      The sermon definitely resonated with him. Aaron is looking forward, letting go of the past and dreaming again. Aaron wants to use his gifts to advocate for others. He's seeing what God has called us to do. Everything we go through in life is a test of strength and responsibility. God uses even our failures to teach us his blessings. God gives us a struggle and once we overcome it and build a strong foundation then he moves us up to our next challenge.
     Now we begin the challenge of turning our overgrown property into a place of respite, connection and healing. It's going to be a long process involving a lot of manual labor, but in the end it will be worth it. Aaron is back on the team and prayers are being answered. Our marriage, cancer and two hearts filled with grief are healing. For many years I couldn't understand why God wasn't answering my prayers fast enough, but now I know that He answers them on His time, not ours.
   
    
    
    

    
    
    
     
    
    

My Caregiver Hat

     Many days I feel the need to remove my caregiver hat. It's worn out, tired looking and needs to renewed, but it's under several other hats that I wear. My other hats are: wife, cook, maid, yard and house maintenance person, organizer, counselor, motivator, physical therapist and pharmacist. The last two I'm not licensed in, but I practice some of the duties on a daily basis. When I became a caregiver, I didn't go looking for the job. In fact, I didn't fill out an application and certainly no one checked references to see if I was qualified! It has strictly been on the job training: sink or swim and I have sank on many occasions.
     When Aaron was paralyzed almost 6 years ago, he was sent home with no medical follow-up care. The VA discharged him and the Army forgot about him. He was in limbo within the system. I wasn't taught how to care for him or to recognize medical issues. In fact, while he was inpatient at the VA there was no program to include me in much of anything. I think they forgot that I was the one who would be caring for him when he came home. I was doing things for him that I never thought I would do for another human being. Honestly, I was barely taking care of myself while trying to deal with the tragedy that had taken place.
     When we become caregivers, we take on a lot of extra burdens and over-function. When we over-function the veteran under-functions and that in turn leads to a vicious cycle. For myself, even when Aaron became more independent, I still over-compensated, because it was all I knew. He later told me that when I over-compensated it made him feel incapable. That wasn't my intention. I really thought I was helping. Everywhere we went, I was on the lookout for any situations that could be difficult for him. I didn't want him to struggle. I worried about accessibility issues, his lack of sleep, forgetting to take his medications, his physical pain, his current medical issues along with possible future issues and what if he tried to do too much and caused himself more pain? I had a difficult time learning how to step back and when to not help unless asked. I had to learn that he's a grown man and capable of more than he was right after his paralysis. I still struggle with this.
       Now that I'm not working outside the home, I have a need to feel validated and acknowledged. It's not that I want a bunch of "that-a-girls" but somewhere in all of this I tend to lose myself. I need to be reminded to take care of myself and take off my super-caregiver cape. I like to think that I can do it all and be perfect. I trying to be okay with mediocrity and I really don't like it! I need to feel connected with other caregivers that understand my thoughts so I have don't have to go into great detail about everything, besides I know that most people don't really want to know. Other caregivers simply "get it". When I interact with non-caregivers, I don't generally share my fears, because I don't want pity. I just want support. As military wives, we're very independent and have learned to rely on ourselves. We have endured so many deployments that we have become self-sufficient. We don't normally have family around to help so we generally just don't ask for help. We are quick to adapt.
     Fortunately, over the years, there has been an increase in awareness regarding caregivers of veterans. In fact, just this month Redbook magazine ran an article about Post 9/11 caregivers. I'm blessed to say that I know two of the women profiled. They have overcome in the face of adversity. I'm not trying to discount other caregivers, but I do feel that the caregiving of a veteran is unique. Many of us are young, have small children at home, have quit our jobs and are isolated from family. We're dealing with PTSD, TBI, amputation, paralysis, trying to explain to children why mommy or daddy isn't the same as before, while we as spouses are still trying to grasp that. We grieve for the loss of what we thought our lives would look like and loss of our dreams. Yet we press on.
     I want to remind you that while you're pressing on you still need to take care of yourself. I can hear you saying, "I don't have time to care for myself." Guess what? If you don't, then you'll crash.
I've been there, done that and it wasn't pretty. Not only was I hospitalized for a week, but my husband had to take care of me when he was needing to be cared for. I truly know how hard it is to slow down, but we have to care for ourselves in order to be there for others. In the South they say, "Ain't no one happy if momma ain't happy."
     Here's some quick tips: 1) Stop and breath 2) Be mindful of the moment. So often we worry about the next thing and forget to be in the present 3) No negative self-talk. Boost yourself up, not down. 4) Let go of control-What can you control? Let go of the rest. I'll let you know when I master this one! 5) Know that it's ok to say, "I need help". 6) Get rid of energy drainers. You know what I'm talking about. People that bring you down or create more drama that you don't have time for. Create boundaries for those people and say "no."
     If you want to find resources, aside from my resource list under the Sept archive, then check out  Hearts of Valor and Family of a Vet.  You'll find great tools, ideas and information. Also, there are many groups on Facebook that connect caregivers of veterans. Many of them are "closed groups" which means comments are hidden from view of non-members so you can post honestly without being judged. I check out Facebook daily. It is my social connection, a place where I can chat with others who understand me and can encourage me when I want to remove all the different hats I'm wearing. So reach out, connect and most important take care of yourself.
     
    

Resource List

I compiled this list over several years & my goal is create a "one stop" resource list. I haven't personally utilized all of the resources. As I discover new websites & organizations I update the list, so come back continually to see what's new! Clicking on a link will take you to the website.

Resources for Caregivers of Wounded Soldiers:

www.heartsofvalor.org (formerly Wounded Warrior Wives)
www.familyofavet.com
www.whenwarcomeshomeretreats.com
www.hopeforthehomefront.com
http://qolfoundation.org -Quality of Life Foundation

VA Caregiver Support Program:

http://www.va.gov -search for VA Form 10-10CG to apply. This is Post 9/11 veterans
*Note to VA approved caregivers: you're entitled to Hero Miles for respite care as well as in home/inpatient respite care. Ask about it!
margaret.kabat@va.gov -National contact person for caregiver program


SCAADL- active duty version of caregiver compensation:

www.woundedwarriorregiment.org -info about SCAADL for active duty DD Form 2948
http://wtc.army.mil/factsheets/wtc_SCAADL_fact_sheet.pdf -Fact sheet from WTU
http://militarypay.defense.gov/Tools/scaadl.html -SCAADL Calculator
http://www.dtic.mil/whs/directives/corres/pdf/134112p.pdf -DOD instructions on SCAADL
http://uscode.house.gov/search/criteria.shtml -to search US Code-Title 37, Section 439


Retreats/Leisure for couples/families:

www.woundedwarriorsfamilysupport.org -Purple Heart recipients
www.heroreward.com
www.independencefund.org
www.operationrestoredwarrior.org
www.projectsanctuary.us
www.projectnewhope.net
www.cominghomeproject.net
www.strongbonds.org
http://vailveteransprogram.com
http://www.warriorbeachretreat.org
http://www.familycamp.webs.com
http://operationblackhillscabin.org
www.oaeamerica.org
www.wwfamilycamp.webs.com

Retreats & Resources for kids:

www.operation300.com
http://kidsbrigade.org/
http://campcope.org/
www.campcoral.org/
www.militarychild.org/
www.campcamp.org
www.militaryfamily.org
www.ourmilitarykids.org
http://campdreamga.org/
www.operationmilitarykids.org
www.sittercity.com/dod -free membership to "sitter city"  for childcare services
www.asymca.org - an affiliate of the YMCA for military installations

Organizations that build/adapt homes:

http://www.buildinghomesforheroes.org
www.homesforourtroops.org
www.rebuildingtogether.org
www.militarywarriors.org
www.homesforheroes.com
http://www.helpingahero.org
http://www.operationfinallyhome.org

Travel Assistance:

www.lukeswings.org
http://www.veteransairlift.org/
www.fisherhouse.org/programs/heromiles (888) 294-8560
http://aircompassionforveterans.org/
http://www.tsa.gov/traveler-information/military-personnel -Assist wounded warriors & veteran's when flying: from curbside, thru security and to the gate.

Resources for navigating the MEB process:

http://www.pebforum.com/site/forum/
www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/nation/documents/walter-reed/HeroHandbook.pdf

Acquiring Medical Records & DD214:

http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/
http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/address-list.html
www.archives.gov 

HIPPA complaints:

http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hippa/complaint/index.html

TSGLI:

http://www.insurance.va.gov/sglisite/tsgli/tsgliguide/tsgliproceduresguide.pdf

Mental Health & TBI/PTSD Education:

http://www.biausa.org
www.lapublishing.com/blog
www.brainlinemilitary.org
www.avbi.org
http://afterdeployment.org/
http://www.thesoldierproject.org
http://silentsiren.org/
http://healingheroes.org/
http://www.thepathwayhome.org/
www.giveanhour.org
http://whitman.syr.edu/ebv/programs/
www.aerhq.com
www.thearmsforces.org
http://www.vetsprevail.org
www.texvet.org
www.milvetpeer.net -peer support groups based in TX

Education/Scholarships for spouses/children:

www.foldsofhonor.org
www.militaryscholar.org
www.hopeforthewarriors.org
http://whitman.syr.edu/ebv/programs/families

Blogs:

http://claudenewsptsd.blogspot.com
www.wifeofawoundedveteran.blogspot.com
www.tbiwarrior.com
www.wifeofawoundedsoldier.com
www.hopeforthewarriors.blogspot.com
www.warriorandwives.com
http://tbi-ptsdwife.blogspot.com
www.AdventuresofTeamAllen.blogspot.com
http://armyreservistwife.blogspot.com
http://fromwartohomefront.blogspot.com

Service Dog Organizations:

www.assistancedogsinternational.com -full listing of ADI members by state
http://www.caninesforservice.org -Wilmington, NC
www.PatriotPaws.org -Rockwall, TX
www.cci.org -CA and FL
www.vetdogs.org -Smithtown, NY
www.puppiesbehindbars.com -Bedford Hills, NY
www.dogs4disabledveterans.org
http://patriotrovers.org -Highpoint, NC
http://www.semperfido.org -Marlton, NJ
http://www.ecad1.org/ -NY and CT
http://www.freedomservicedogs.org/ -Englewood, CO
www.caninesforwarriors.org/ Tampa, FL
http://www.lekennels.org/home.html -Nogal, NM
http://www.muttswithamission.com/ -N Berwick, ME
www.neads.org/ -Princeton, MA
http://www.newhorizonsservicedogs.org/ -Orange City, FL
http://www.pawpads.org/ -Savage, MN
http://www.servicedogproject.org/  -Ipswich, MA
http://www.servicedogs.org/  -Dripping Springs, TX

Financial Assistance:

www.defendersoffreedom.us/
www.legion.org/financialassistance
www.amf100.org
www.dav.org
www.thehomefrontcares.org
www.mercyforme.org
www.unmetneeds.org
www.naavets.org
http://wish4ourheroes.org/
http://operationfamilyfund.org
http://www.saluteheroes.org
http://www.impactahero.org
http://www.operationsecondchance.org
http://operationfirstresponse.org/?page_id=3600
http://usacares.org/faq/family-assistance-process/
http://www.rebuildhope.org/sources_of_financial_assistance_public.php
http://www.pentagonfoundation.org/site/PageServer?pagename=heroes_index
http://www.semper4soldiers.org
http://nmcrs.org
http://www.goodguysmarinefund.org/
www.SemperFiFund.org
http://freedomalliance.org
http://www.operationhomefront.com

General Resources:

http://www.tvc.state.tx.us/Home.aspx - TX Veteran's Commission
www.vettix.org -grants free tickets to events
http://www.afvclub.com -vacation deals
http://www.vacationsforveterans.org -vacation deals
www.nvlsp.org -Nat'l Veterans Legal Svc Program
http://www.warriorgateway.org
http://oprecov.org/
http://vet.syr.edu/pdfs/benefits-guidebook.pdf
http://nationalresourcedirectory.gov
www.maketheconnection.net -bringing vets together to heal
www.iava.org -assisting Iraq/Afghanistan vets in health, community & education
www.soldiersangels.org
www.fisherhouse.org -provides temporary housing
www.hopeforthewarriors.org
http://operationcomfort.org/ -assistance for those being treated at BAMC in TX
http://operationmilitaryembrace.com -assist w/hardhips, MEB, coordinate legal issues
www.patriotguard.org -motorcycle group that attends funerals of fallen service members
www.militaryministry.org -Christian based books to aid in PTSD/TBI and combat healing
www.usoinvisiblewounds.org
www.swords-to-plowshares.org -Housing & employment, based in CA
http://bva.org - Blind Veterans Assoc
http://www.pva.org - Paralyzed Veterans Assoc
http://operationmend.ucla.edu -provides free plastic/reconstructive surgery, orthopaedic reconstruction, urologic treatment, otolaryngological care, mental health, exam & treatment of reproductive issues.
http://www.sacv.org -San Antonio coalition for vets to find resources & help with the VA
www.sempermax.com
http://www.yellowribbonfund.com -for wounded soldiers in the D.C., Maryland & Virginia areas
www.texvet.org -resources for vets located in TX
http://www.lonestarmilitary.com -TX
http://agrability.org -assisting wounded soldiers w/ranching & farming
www.nmfa.org -Nat'l Military Family Assoc
http://vacationsforveterans.org - Recv'd Purple Heart medal in  Iraq or Afghanistan
http://www.vets.yuku.com -veteran's forum & resources
http://www.veteransforamerica.us/
www.amputee-coalition.org -site specific to dealing with amputation
www.painfoundation.org -American Pain Foundation

Leisure/Healing activities for wounded service members:

www.challengeaspen.org -Colorado
http://americanevergladesguide.com -FL
http://operationsecondchance.org/
www.woundedwarriorproject.org -activities for soldiers to incl-Soldier Ride
www.ride2recovery.com -helping wounded vets heal thru cycling events
www.riversofrecovery.org -fishing events for vets to aid in PTSD recovery
www.woundedwarriorranch.org -ranch in WA for vets/families to enjoy the outdoors
www.patriothunts.org -hunting
http://www.combatmarineoutdoors.org -hunting/fishing trips for wounded svc members (not just Marines)
http://patriotsandheroesoutdoors.com -hunting & outdoor trips
http://www.teamriverrunner.org/ -sponsors kayaking events for wounded soldiers & families
http://warriorsandquietwaters.org -fly fishing in MT
http://www.warfightersports.org/ -sporting events around the country for disabled soldiers
http://www.lakeshore.org/ -promotes independence for ppl w/disabilities thru their facility in AL
www.hopeforthewarriors.org -sponsor svc members to participate in sporting events around the USA
http://www.outwardbound.org/index.cfm/do/vets.index -free outdoor trips
www.sempermax.com -funds different sporting events incl. travel/lodging for marathons, bike races.
www.semperFiFund.org -sponsors wounded svc members to attend sporting events
http://www.manegait.org/ - horse therapy located in TX
www.equest.org - horse therapy located in TX
http://highgroundhunters.com//hometown-heroes/ -Hunting trips for soldiers/veterans in TX
http://www.pawsforreflectionranch.org/Home_Page.php -"Boots of Honor" equine therapy in TX
http://www.rockytoptherapy.org/default.aspx -"Horses for Heroes"  located in N. TX
http://txwoundedwarrior.com -activities for wounded soldiers

VA /Government websites:

www.vba.va.gov -Independent Living Program
http://www.warrelatedillness.va.gov/WARRELATEDILLNESS/contact.asp
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/mr/part1/ch05.doc -Appeals
http://www.va.gov/osdbu/programs/index.asp -Small business programs
http://www1.va.gov/centerforminorityveterans/  -Center for minority veterans
http://www.vetbiz.gov/default2.htm -Center for veteran's enterprise
http://www1.va.gov/womenvet/  -Center for women veterans
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/part6%20/ch07.doc Compensation Gulf War disablty
http://www.vba.va.gov/bln/21/Rates/comp01.htm -Compensation rate tables 12/03
http://www.vba.va.gov/bln/21/Benefits/exams/index.htm -Disability exam worksheet index
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/mr/part1/ch02.doc  -Due process
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21_1/mr/part1/ch01.doc -Duty to assist
http://www.ecfr.gov -Electronic Code of Federal Regulations
http://www1.va.gov/homeless/ Homeless veterans
http://www1.va.gov/vhapublications/ViewPublication.asp?pub_=206 -Fee basis for outpatient svcs
http://www.oqp.med.va.gov/cpg/cpgn/mus/mus_base.htm -Guideline for chronic pain/fatigue
http://www1.va.gov/geriatricsshg/ Geriatrics & extended care
http://www1.va.gov/gulfwar/docs/DepletedUraniumFAQSheet.doc -Depleted Uranium FAQ


Helpful Books:

"Rule #2 Lessons I Learned in a Combat Hospital" author Heidi Squier Kraft
"Once a Marine: An Iraq war tank commanders inspirational memoir of combat, courage & recovery"
author-Nick Popaditch (OIF vet) with Mike Steere
"Exit Wounds: A survival guide to pain management for returning vets & their families" author-Derek McGinis (OIF vet) and Stephen R Braun
"Hope for the Home Front" -author Marshelle Waddell
"Wounded Warrior, Wounded Home: Hope & Healing for Families..." author Waddell & Orr
"When War Comes Home" authors-Adsit, Adsit & Waddell thru www.militaryministry.org
"Combat Trauma Healing Manual" available thru www.militaryministry.org
"Forgive for Love" author: Luskin (not only applies to relationships, but forgiveness in general.
"The Love Dare" author-Kendrick (as featured in the movie Fireproof)
"Penny's from Heaven" author-Patsy Swendson (book about service dogs)