Resource List

I compiled this list over several years & my goal is create a "one stop" resource list. I haven't personally utilized all of the resources. As I discover new websites & organizations I update the list, so come back continually to see what's new! Clicking on a link will take you to the website.

Resources for Caregivers of Wounded Soldiers:

www.heartsofvalor.org (formerly Wounded Warrior Wives)
www.familyofavet.com
www.whenwarcomeshomeretreats.com
www.hopeforthehomefront.com
http://qolfoundation.org -Quality of Life Foundation

VA Caregiver Support Program:

http://www.va.gov -search for VA Form 10-10CG to apply. This is Post 9/11 veterans
*Note to VA approved caregivers: you're entitled to Hero Miles for respite care as well as in home/inpatient respite care. Ask about it!
margaret.kabat@va.gov -National contact person for caregiver program


SCAADL- active duty version of caregiver compensation:

www.woundedwarriorregiment.org -info about SCAADL for active duty DD Form 2948
http://wtc.army.mil/factsheets/wtc_SCAADL_fact_sheet.pdf -Fact sheet from WTU
http://militarypay.defense.gov/Tools/scaadl.html -SCAADL Calculator
http://www.dtic.mil/whs/directives/corres/pdf/134112p.pdf -DOD instructions on SCAADL
http://uscode.house.gov/search/criteria.shtml -to search US Code-Title 37, Section 439


Retreats/Leisure for couples/families:

www.woundedwarriorsfamilysupport.org -Purple Heart recipients
www.heroreward.com
www.independencefund.org
www.operationrestoredwarrior.org
www.projectsanctuary.us
www.projectnewhope.net
www.cominghomeproject.net
www.strongbonds.org
http://vailveteransprogram.com
http://www.warriorbeachretreat.org
http://www.familycamp.webs.com
http://operationblackhillscabin.org
www.oaeamerica.org
www.wwfamilycamp.webs.com

Retreats & Resources for kids:

www.operation300.com
http://kidsbrigade.org/
http://campcope.org/
www.campcoral.org/
www.militarychild.org/
www.campcamp.org
www.militaryfamily.org
www.ourmilitarykids.org
http://campdreamga.org/
www.operationmilitarykids.org
www.sittercity.com/dod -free membership to "sitter city"  for childcare services
www.asymca.org - an affiliate of the YMCA for military installations

Organizations that build/adapt homes:

http://www.buildinghomesforheroes.org
www.homesforourtroops.org
www.rebuildingtogether.org
www.militarywarriors.org
www.homesforheroes.com
http://www.helpingahero.org
http://www.operationfinallyhome.org

Travel Assistance:

www.lukeswings.org
http://www.veteransairlift.org/
www.fisherhouse.org/programs/heromiles (888) 294-8560
http://aircompassionforveterans.org/
http://www.tsa.gov/traveler-information/military-personnel -Assist wounded warriors & veteran's when flying: from curbside, thru security and to the gate.

Resources for navigating the MEB process:

http://www.pebforum.com/site/forum/
www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/nation/documents/walter-reed/HeroHandbook.pdf

Acquiring Medical Records & DD214:

http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/
http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/address-list.html
www.archives.gov 

HIPPA complaints:

http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hippa/complaint/index.html

TSGLI:

http://www.insurance.va.gov/sglisite/tsgli/tsgliguide/tsgliproceduresguide.pdf

Mental Health & TBI/PTSD Education:

http://www.biausa.org
www.lapublishing.com/blog
www.brainlinemilitary.org
www.avbi.org
http://afterdeployment.org/
http://www.thesoldierproject.org
http://silentsiren.org/
http://healingheroes.org/
http://www.thepathwayhome.org/
www.giveanhour.org
http://whitman.syr.edu/ebv/programs/
www.aerhq.com
www.thearmsforces.org
http://www.vetsprevail.org
www.texvet.org
www.milvetpeer.net -peer support groups based in TX

Education/Scholarships for spouses/children:

www.foldsofhonor.org
www.militaryscholar.org
www.hopeforthewarriors.org
http://whitman.syr.edu/ebv/programs/families

Blogs:

http://claudenewsptsd.blogspot.com
www.wifeofawoundedveteran.blogspot.com
www.tbiwarrior.com
www.wifeofawoundedsoldier.com
www.hopeforthewarriors.blogspot.com
www.warriorandwives.com
http://tbi-ptsdwife.blogspot.com
www.AdventuresofTeamAllen.blogspot.com
http://armyreservistwife.blogspot.com
http://fromwartohomefront.blogspot.com

Service Dog Organizations:

www.assistancedogsinternational.com -full listing of ADI members by state
http://www.caninesforservice.org -Wilmington, NC
www.PatriotPaws.org -Rockwall, TX
www.cci.org -CA and FL
www.vetdogs.org -Smithtown, NY
www.puppiesbehindbars.com -Bedford Hills, NY
www.dogs4disabledveterans.org
http://patriotrovers.org -Highpoint, NC
http://www.semperfido.org -Marlton, NJ
http://www.ecad1.org/ -NY and CT
http://www.freedomservicedogs.org/ -Englewood, CO
www.caninesforwarriors.org/ Tampa, FL
http://www.lekennels.org/home.html -Nogal, NM
http://www.muttswithamission.com/ -N Berwick, ME
www.neads.org/ -Princeton, MA
http://www.newhorizonsservicedogs.org/ -Orange City, FL
http://www.pawpads.org/ -Savage, MN
http://www.servicedogproject.org/  -Ipswich, MA
http://www.servicedogs.org/  -Dripping Springs, TX

Financial Assistance:

www.defendersoffreedom.us/
www.legion.org/financialassistance
www.amf100.org
www.dav.org
www.thehomefrontcares.org
www.mercyforme.org
www.unmetneeds.org
www.naavets.org
http://wish4ourheroes.org/
http://operationfamilyfund.org
http://www.saluteheroes.org
http://www.impactahero.org
http://www.operationsecondchance.org
http://operationfirstresponse.org/?page_id=3600
http://usacares.org/faq/family-assistance-process/
http://www.rebuildhope.org/sources_of_financial_assistance_public.php
http://www.pentagonfoundation.org/site/PageServer?pagename=heroes_index
http://www.semper4soldiers.org
http://nmcrs.org
http://www.goodguysmarinefund.org/
www.SemperFiFund.org
http://freedomalliance.org
http://www.operationhomefront.com

General Resources:

http://www.tvc.state.tx.us/Home.aspx - TX Veteran's Commission
www.vettix.org -grants free tickets to events
http://www.afvclub.com -vacation deals
http://www.vacationsforveterans.org -vacation deals
www.nvlsp.org -Nat'l Veterans Legal Svc Program
http://www.warriorgateway.org
http://oprecov.org/
http://vet.syr.edu/pdfs/benefits-guidebook.pdf
http://nationalresourcedirectory.gov
www.maketheconnection.net -bringing vets together to heal
www.iava.org -assisting Iraq/Afghanistan vets in health, community & education
www.soldiersangels.org
www.fisherhouse.org -provides temporary housing
www.hopeforthewarriors.org
http://operationcomfort.org/ -assistance for those being treated at BAMC in TX
http://operationmilitaryembrace.com -assist w/hardhips, MEB, coordinate legal issues
www.patriotguard.org -motorcycle group that attends funerals of fallen service members
www.militaryministry.org -Christian based books to aid in PTSD/TBI and combat healing
www.usoinvisiblewounds.org
www.swords-to-plowshares.org -Housing & employment, based in CA
http://bva.org - Blind Veterans Assoc
http://www.pva.org - Paralyzed Veterans Assoc
http://operationmend.ucla.edu -provides free plastic/reconstructive surgery, orthopaedic reconstruction, urologic treatment, otolaryngological care, mental health, exam & treatment of reproductive issues.
http://www.sacv.org -San Antonio coalition for vets to find resources & help with the VA
www.sempermax.com
http://www.yellowribbonfund.com -for wounded soldiers in the D.C., Maryland & Virginia areas
www.texvet.org -resources for vets located in TX
http://www.lonestarmilitary.com -TX
http://agrability.org -assisting wounded soldiers w/ranching & farming
www.nmfa.org -Nat'l Military Family Assoc
http://vacationsforveterans.org - Recv'd Purple Heart medal in  Iraq or Afghanistan
http://www.vets.yuku.com -veteran's forum & resources
http://www.veteransforamerica.us/
www.amputee-coalition.org -site specific to dealing with amputation
www.painfoundation.org -American Pain Foundation

Leisure/Healing activities for wounded service members:

www.challengeaspen.org -Colorado
http://americanevergladesguide.com -FL
http://operationsecondchance.org/
www.woundedwarriorproject.org -activities for soldiers to incl-Soldier Ride
www.ride2recovery.com -helping wounded vets heal thru cycling events
www.riversofrecovery.org -fishing events for vets to aid in PTSD recovery
www.woundedwarriorranch.org -ranch in WA for vets/families to enjoy the outdoors
www.patriothunts.org -hunting
http://www.combatmarineoutdoors.org -hunting/fishing trips for wounded svc members (not just Marines)
http://patriotsandheroesoutdoors.com -hunting & outdoor trips
http://www.teamriverrunner.org/ -sponsors kayaking events for wounded soldiers & families
http://warriorsandquietwaters.org -fly fishing in MT
http://www.warfightersports.org/ -sporting events around the country for disabled soldiers
http://www.lakeshore.org/ -promotes independence for ppl w/disabilities thru their facility in AL
www.hopeforthewarriors.org -sponsor svc members to participate in sporting events around the USA
http://www.outwardbound.org/index.cfm/do/vets.index -free outdoor trips
www.sempermax.com -funds different sporting events incl. travel/lodging for marathons, bike races.
www.semperFiFund.org -sponsors wounded svc members to attend sporting events
http://www.manegait.org/ - horse therapy located in TX
www.equest.org - horse therapy located in TX
http://highgroundhunters.com//hometown-heroes/ -Hunting trips for soldiers/veterans in TX
http://www.pawsforreflectionranch.org/Home_Page.php -"Boots of Honor" equine therapy in TX
http://www.rockytoptherapy.org/default.aspx -"Horses for Heroes"  located in N. TX
http://txwoundedwarrior.com -activities for wounded soldiers

VA /Government websites:

www.vba.va.gov -Independent Living Program
http://www.warrelatedillness.va.gov/WARRELATEDILLNESS/contact.asp
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/mr/part1/ch05.doc -Appeals
http://www.va.gov/osdbu/programs/index.asp -Small business programs
http://www1.va.gov/centerforminorityveterans/  -Center for minority veterans
http://www.vetbiz.gov/default2.htm -Center for veteran's enterprise
http://www1.va.gov/womenvet/  -Center for women veterans
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/part6%20/ch07.doc Compensation Gulf War disablty
http://www.vba.va.gov/bln/21/Rates/comp01.htm -Compensation rate tables 12/03
http://www.vba.va.gov/bln/21/Benefits/exams/index.htm -Disability exam worksheet index
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/mr/part1/ch02.doc  -Due process
http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21_1/mr/part1/ch01.doc -Duty to assist
http://www.ecfr.gov -Electronic Code of Federal Regulations
http://www1.va.gov/homeless/ Homeless veterans
http://www1.va.gov/vhapublications/ViewPublication.asp?pub_=206 -Fee basis for outpatient svcs
http://www.oqp.med.va.gov/cpg/cpgn/mus/mus_base.htm -Guideline for chronic pain/fatigue
http://www1.va.gov/geriatricsshg/ Geriatrics & extended care
http://www1.va.gov/gulfwar/docs/DepletedUraniumFAQSheet.doc -Depleted Uranium FAQ


Helpful Books:

"Rule #2 Lessons I Learned in a Combat Hospital" author Heidi Squier Kraft
"Once a Marine: An Iraq war tank commanders inspirational memoir of combat, courage & recovery"
author-Nick Popaditch (OIF vet) with Mike Steere
"Exit Wounds: A survival guide to pain management for returning vets & their families" author-Derek McGinis (OIF vet) and Stephen R Braun
"Hope for the Home Front" -author Marshelle Waddell
"Wounded Warrior, Wounded Home: Hope & Healing for Families..." author Waddell & Orr
"When War Comes Home" authors-Adsit, Adsit & Waddell thru www.militaryministry.org
"Combat Trauma Healing Manual" available thru www.militaryministry.org
"Forgive for Love" author: Luskin (not only applies to relationships, but forgiveness in general.
"The Love Dare" author-Kendrick (as featured in the movie Fireproof)
"Penny's from Heaven" author-Patsy Swendson (book about service dogs)

A round of paws for service dogs.

The image above is on Patriot Paws service dogs' van. It was taken  May 2009 when Aaron was training to receive his service dog, Lane Murray. He and Lane are the middle photo and the caption reads, "for the first time in two years I forgot to be mad." For someone like Aaron, that was going through so many difficulties at the time, Lane was his focus instead of his anger at all the injustice around him. Aaron was paralyzed during back surgery due to a surgeon's mistake and there was no restitution. In addition to that, Aaron's military career was over after 18 years of service. He has chronic neuropthic pain, doesn't sleep regularly and has PTSD related to the traumatic event of waking up paralyzed. Receiving Lane was a blessing in so many ways: she calms him, takes the focus off of him while in public, she's his companion and more.

The Patriot Paws program (accredited by Assistance Dogs International) utilizes the Gatesville, TX women's prison system to train service dogs. If you'd like to see a PSA on You Tube search for: Patriot Paws Service Dog Program. Aaron had been on the wait list for a year and a half. So when he got the call that his name was at the top of the list, he was thrilled. We would be driving to Texas to train in the prison facility, with the inmates, for 10 days. I'll admit that I had preconceived ideas about the women we would be interacting with, but by the end of that time, my thinking changed 100% Think about your past and some of the mistakes you made, but maybe you didn't get caught or the mistake was minor. Some mistakes are big and have huge consequences. These woman choose to make a difference by giving back to veterans. We met some amazing people throughout our time in the program and all my thoughts are positive when I think back to those 10 days.

What a lot of people don't know about the placement of a service dog with it's owner is that the dog chooses, not the owner. Before arriving to the prison, Lori Stevens (founder) had 3 dogs selected that she felt would be a good match for Aaron. This was based on physical needs and his typical days' activities. You don't want a hyper dog if the owner is low-key and vice versa. For the first few days, Aaron worked with several dogs to see how they interacted with him and then after 3 days, Lori started putting the pre-selected dogs with Aaron. There were 2 dogs that responded well to Aaron and followed his commands. Lane specifically would attempt to put her body in front of Aaron whenever another dog worked with him. She was choosing him! During the training time, Aaron worked with Lane on tugging open doors, pushing drawers/doors closed, turn lights off & on, removing shoes & socks, going under the table for use in restaurants, push on the pads to open automatic doors, alert someone if Aaron needs help, picking up dropped items, and pull the bed sheets down, just to name a few.

When Aaron would go out in public, people would ask ignorant and rude questions about how he was injured, as if they had to right to know. However, when he brought Lane home all the focus was on her, she creates a distraction away from him. "What can she do?" "Does she ever get to just be a dog?" "Who takes care of her when you travel?" "Does she bite?" "Why does she have a muzzle on?" To answer the questions: she can do a lot, she is all dog when the service dog vest comes off, she travels with us everywhere we go including airplanes, no she doesn't bite and no that is not a muzzle. It's a gentle leader, which is like a horse harness. Wherever Aaron pulls the leash, her head and body follow. Lane is 80lbs of 4x4 strength.

A trip to the grocery store takes twice as long, because every other aisle has someone that wants to know all about Lane. Plus Lane knows how to work the "sad" face to get attention from people and she's very social. If she can get one person to pay attention to her or if she gets what we call a "pet by" then she won the lottery. There's always that one person that tries to get her attention by whistling, trying to pet her, calling to her, etc. Please do not do this if you see a service dog, although they're focused, they still love attention. An interesting tid bit about dogs. Their sense of smell is much keener than humans, so when we walk down the food aisle all we smell is one scent, whereas a dog smells every single scent in that aisle. You can imagine how intriguing that is to a dog and how focused a service dog must be to not stop at all the items on the shelves and start sniffing.

Lane has journeyed to the Epcot Center in Florida with us and managed the crowds around her for 8+ hours. She was allowed to sit next to Aaron on a ride, although she ended up on his lap at one point when a loud sound startled her! She certainly did not care for the fireworks display at the end of the night. Lane has been in the 2011 Rose Bowl Parade. She and Aaron were invited to attend and sit on a float honoring service members. Unfortunately, at the last minutes, she and Aaron were switched from the "TV side" of the float to the opposite side, so they didn't get to enjoy their 15 minutes of fame. However, Lane has been featured on "NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams" before we received her. Of course, we saved that video for our claim to fame. Lane loves to swim in our lake, but doesn't care for baths, she asks permission to get up on the bed by putting her muzzle on the edge of the bed and tapping it, loves to be chased by our 6 month old Rottweiler, knows the word "walk" in any sentence so that we have to spell it out unless we're ready to go out the door, always gets the last spoonful of my ice cream, tortilla chips when we go out for Mexican food (under the table of course) and adores children.

I've said a lot about service dogs and my main objective is to create awareness of what they have to offer. A person doesn't have to have a visible disability to get a service dog. Veterans with PTSD can benefit from a service dog, a person with a brain injury, which may affect balance for example, can benefit from a dog that can help brace the person. There are so many benefits that service dogs offer, so look into it or spread the word if you know of someone. One thing to remember is that all of these organizations need donations of time and/or money, volunteers, puppy raisers and more to succeed and place dogs.

To end on a humorous note: Aaron has always referred to me as "Babe" and we've been married 19 years. At some point, I noticed that he started calling Lane that nickname. I tease Aaron all the time about it and ask him, "When did I become the 3rd wheel in this relationship?" Apparently, I have another female competitor for my husbands's attention! :-)















                                                      

Opening my eyes to life in a wheelchair.

Aaron speaking to 2nd graders about service dogs

Letting Go

"All to often you have to be at the end of your rope to be tempted to move through your fear, and to let go of the unfamiliar, the unknown, to change." 
                                                                                 author unknown


I remember when the Dr.  told me Aaron was paralyzed. The first words out of my mouth were, "I'm an Army wife. We'll get through this." I had no idea what the road ahead was going to be like. All I knew was Aaron's legs didn't move anymore and there was a small chance that he could regain movement within one year. I clung to that. For that entire first year, I kept telling myself that he was going to walk again and then this nightmare would be over. Just like that...a bad dream.

Only that isn't what God had in mind for us. One day, I was chatting with an elderly neighbor and she asked how I was doing. First off, it was very rare for anyone to ask how I was doing. It was always, "How is Aaron? Is he walking yet?" How do you answer that over & over again with the same disheartening answer "no." Didn't people stop and think about what they were asking? Only this time someone was asking about me. I told her I had it all under control, because that it what I do best. I try to control things. I don't like things to be messy, unorganized or inefficient. She told me God is in control and this didn't sit well with me. At this time in my life, I had no religious affiliation and hadn't accepted God into my life.

When one year rolled around and I realized Aaron's wasn't going to walk again, my world really fell apart. The denial had to end. All the control I was hanging on to was out the door. I wasn't in control. I was angry, resentful, depressed, feeling sorry for myself, lashing out at the person I cared most about and unfortunately not working through the grief process. My spouse was still here, so why would I be grieving?

How do you accept something that turns your life so upside-down that you basically have to start all over? When the dynamics between the person you have spent more than 15 years with change? When you don't even know if you want to stay in it anymore, because you don't think you're strong enough? Aaron referred to himself over and over again as "Broken" and it really bothered me. But wasn't that what we were? Broken?  I know now when you truly hit bottom and are truly broken is when you need to ask for help. Until then, I hadn't asked for help, because in my mind asking for help equated to weakness. Guess what? I couldn't have been more wrong. I had to learn how to accept our new life or come to terms with it. How do you do that?

Many of my friends, who are also wives of wounded soldiers, have spoke about this before.  Sometimes we refer to it as "letting go" or "coming to terms" or our "new normal." Some of us are 5 years out from our spouse's injury while some are less than 2 years out. What does it look like? How long does it take? Do you ever really accept your new life or do you just learn to cope better as time goes on?

In my opinion, reaching out to others and letting go of control was what I personally needed to heal. Until I was able to reach out to others and get help from a therapist, I wasn't healing. I hate to admit it, but up until Aaron's injury I had been very selfish and ego driven. I didn't want to be inconvenienced. Now when I'm in a situation that is not ideal I'm able to say, "Karen, it's not always about you!" This took a lot of growing up on my part and I wish I had learned this much earlier, but my Dad always said I had to learn things the hard way!!! I also had to learn to let go of control and worrying about everyone elses opinion. In the past, my house and yard was always "perfect." Ha Ha, not anymore! I learned how to be ok with mediocre and it's not so bad. Plus my stress level and blood pressure have gone down.

I guess the answer to my question is that I have come to terms with our new life. To me there is a difference between coming to terms and acceptance. I don't accept the lack of accountability by the surgeon, the lack of help from the Army, the lack of home health care after he was discharged by the VA, being denied TSGLI, and numerous other benefits that he should have been entitled to after 18 years of service. (See, there's that bit of anger in there) This lack of acceptance is what fuels me to change things for those that follow behind Aaron and I. I'm not one to be apathetic and just say, "Oh well."

I still get sad or even a little envious when I see a couple walking together and holding hands. I miss that and I always will, but I don't dwell on that anymore. They are fleeting moments I allow myself to feel and then I move on. For me, this is our new life and even though I don't always like it I have to embrace it. If I don't then I can't move forward. It's only when we relinquish control that we begin to live.

Working through the pain

Aaron's initial injury was caused while he was an Infantryman back in 1989. The soldiers would do field exercises and one of these was called a human breach. Aaron was chosen that day to use his body as a bridge.  His body lay across his M-16 (weapon) and the other soldiers ran across his back like a bridge. Now, I don't know about you, but when I first learned about this practice I thought it was ludicrous. How could anyone's body withstand that type of weight of their spine? It turns out that it can't.

Soldiers are trained that to seek medical help is a sign of weakness and if you do seek help then you may be put on a "profile" If you are medically unable to report to duty then you're letting your team down. So, more often than not, soldiers don't seek help. Aaron's back was injured during the human breach, but he didn't seek help for over 2 months due to deployments to Panama and Korea. Finally he sought medical attention and at this time was told that he needed to get stronger, stand up straight and that he had a pulled Trapeze muscle. I have to laugh at this, because Aaron was in top physical shape. I don't think he could have been any stronger. Just look at the photo below, taken while he was a lifeguard (Mt. Sinai).

For the next 3 years, Aaron perservered thru enormous pain in his thoracic spine (mid-back) and completed his time as an enlisted soldier. He was doing what the military has taught him..."to suck it up." He then graduated with a B.S. in Nursing (my career sidetracked his goal of becoming a Physical Therapist) and decided to go back into the military as an officer in 1998. During this entire time his back caused pain. I remember when he would stretch his body across our couch to try to relax the muscles, press up against a doorjam to relieve the pressure or how we rarely went to movies, because he couldn't sit that long in one position. Looking back, I really don't remember him complaining much. He just did what he had to do.

Obviously, nursing is a physically demanding career and the Army makes it even more demanding. Being in an understaffed hospital meant that nurses routinely maneuvered patients without assistance and the heavier a patient, the more strain it put on his back. He still did it, because it was his job. Later in 1998 he asked a Dr. for an MRI consult. The Dr. hesistated due to it being an expensive procedure, but the results didn't lie. Everything that Aaron felt over the years was right there on the image. The Dr. told him that there was bulging discs, compression on the spine and spondylosis (change in the signal thru the spinal chord). At this time, surgery wasn't a consideration. Most people will tell you that back surgery is a last resort.

Late 2006, Aaron was sleeping beside me and I couldn't fall asleep, because about every 30 seconds his legs would jump. He mentioned to me how tired he was lately and I said "Do you realize that all night long your legs are jumping?" It's no wonder he was tired, because he wasn't getting any deep sleep. In reality, his legs were spasming due to the pressure on his spinal chord. Also the pressure on his spinal chord was creating fasle sensation in his bladder making him feel like he had to urinate and this would wake him up throughout the night.

Jan 10, 2007 Aaron volunteered for an upcoming deployment to Iraq. He was scheduled to leave towards the end of February. However, at the same time his legs began to give out on occassion. I recall one day he was walking down the stairs in front of our house and I saw his legs give out. He tried to hide it until I said, "Did your legs just give out?" Of course he responded with, "I'm just really exhausted." Now I know that he was in denial with what was happening, because he wanted to deploy. The symptoms continued and he reluctantly sought help from Dr. Floyd (a neurosurgeon he had deployed with in 2003). Dr. Floyd was concerned enough that he referred Aaron to Dr. Haroon Chaudri at MCG in Augusta,GA. This referral led to the diagnosis that Aaron needed back surgery. Dr. Choudri recommended that Aaron not wait until returning from a year long deployment, because one wrong move in Iraq could do damage and there wouldn't be proper medical resources to help Aaron. He told Aaron that "if you keep doing your job, you will go paralyzed."

So, Aaron sat there for several minutes thinking. I was trying to figure out what was going thru his mind. Now, I know that he didn't want to have the surgery because this meant another soldier would have to go in his place. Soldiers just don't do that. At the same time, he hoped that the surgery would alleviate the constant pain and our lives could get back to normal.

When Aaron came out of surgery on Feb 7th, he was in more pain than he had ever experienced. The trauma caused to his spinal cord during surgery not only paralyzed him, but caused him to feel like, "Someone is stabbing my back with a knife and twisting it around and like being cut alive." Not only had the surgery gone terribly wrong, but his pain was worse. How could this have happened? Why isn't the surgeon doing his rounds on Aaron. Why wasn't the surgeon or his team speaking to me after the surgery? What did this mean for our future? Was his career in the military over? Would he ever walk again? My mind was filled with questions that I didn't know the answers to and I was a person that wanted answers. I needed control and I didn't have it.

So, years later Aaron is still in a wheelchair and still in pain. Of course, he looks back and says, " I should have deployed" and I reply, "At least you're still here." For him, this links to the notion that if you're not injured in combat then your injury isn't recognized the same. I've seen it time and time again by the lack of resources available to him. He deployed numerous times and came back safe. It just so happened that he was injured stateside after all those deployments. It doesn't make his sacrifice any less than anyone else's. I'm saddened by the fact that the Army brushed him off when he was first injured. If someone had listened back in 1989 maybe he wouldn't be where he is today. But we all know going down that road is not productive.

 I don't understand how he manages each day in 10+ out of 10 pain. I couldn't do it. He goes around with a smile on his face and is pleasant to everyone he encounters. He hides it so well  that even I forget  that he is hurting, but he is and he always will be. There is no remedy for neuropathic pain. I have to believe that Aaron is still with us today, because he is going to serve a bigger purpose. That's the only way I can make sense of it.

How we met



Aaron & I     2010

Back in time-Surgery causes paralysis

I've been contemplating starting this blog for close to a year. What stopped me, until today, was the thought that what I have to share isn't that interesting. Until recently, I didn't have the desire to dig up the past 5 years of tragedy, betrayal and heartbreak. However, what I have learned is that I don't have to do that in order to tell our story. My good friend, Roxana at http://www.tbiwarrior.com/ reminded me that if I can touch one person, then our story is worth telling. In reflection, I now see that our story is one of perserverance, courage and a desire to move forward. Although, this will be a bit dry to start, it is necessary background to help people understand how this all began. So, bare with me thru the details:

On 1/10/07 my husband Aaron was given orders to deploy to Iraq for 13 months. His departure date was set for 2/23/07 and it appeared that he was going to one of the prisons in Baghdad or S. Iraq near the border. I journaled, "At least this time he'll be safer...I'm teary even thinking about it and yet I know so many woman have done it before me....I'm proud of what he does & stands for & I'm proud of him."

This all changed when on 1/16/07 we consulted with a Thoracic Neurosurgeon regarding Aaron's worsening back pain. The surgeon recommended having surgery now and Aaron's wanted to wait until he returned from deployment. The surgeon felt this would be a mistake.When we finally made the decision to schedule Aaron's surgery it was because we  feared that if we didn't, Aaron's ability to walk might be affected for the rest of his life. We knew that this surgery would be serious, but were assured that Aaron would be back to work in 6 weeks and able to resume O.R. Nursing duties. We never imagined , after that day, that nothing would ever be the same.

On 2/7/07 Aaron went in for surgery and at 11:45am I was put into a private room to meet with the surgeon. He told me that Aaron was not able to move his legs, but it was likely due to "spinal swelling" and he had a chance of walking within one year. I told the Dr. "That's allright. I'm a military spouse and we'll get thru this." Obviously, I was in shock and had no idea what was ahead of us. It was several hours later when I was taken to see Aaron that I realized everything was not allright. He was in excruciating pain and going in and out of consciousness.

After 2 months of inpatient rehab at the VA, Aaron returned home and this is where life got really tough. He is paralyzed at level T-9 and with that comes a host of daily and lifelong medical issues. I could go into great detail about the anger, resentment, grief and near end of our marriage that was the fallout of this tragedy, but what really matters is where we are now. We're still learning our new normal and how the dynamics between us have changed. I've had to learn to become more patient, compassionate, less controlling of my environment, cope with my emotions & fears in a productive way and biggest of all to forgive. Forgive all the people that weren't there for us, the entitlements that were denied because his injury wasn't combat related and to forgive one another for our weakness' in dealing with the tragedy that has forever changed the landscape of our lives.

So, this is where this blog begins. You now know the background of our story and from time to time I will reference past events to clarify the journey. It is my hope to encourage others and allow them to see that it can get better. It isn't easy, but as I learned from a popular quote "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." This is a daily life lesson that I keep in my mind when I get sad or frustrated. I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to go thru the past 5 years over again, even though I know it's what made me a better person. The pain and grief were almost unbearable at times and to feel you have no control over someone else's pain and suffering made me feel weak and useless. It wasn't until I became a Christian 3 years ago and got counseling to help me learn coping strategies that I became more resilient, compassionate & grateful to be the wife of a man who gave his health for his country. I'm finally at the point that I know what my purpose is and I have hopes and dreams for the future again!

Five years ago, I didn't think I could live this life, but now I know with Aaron by my side we CAN live this life and I'm proud to live it with him.